I just have to say that being a single stinks sometimes. The thing is that having been married for 16 years, I'm still trying to work out the kinks of being single. It's not an easy transition by any means.
First off, I have to actually date?!??!?!!! What??? I need to date men??? But one broke my heart, why should I do that again? It only took 16 years of marriage for it to happen, but when it did I was left to pick up the pieces and lick my wounds. Trust me the last two years of my marriage were the worst years of my entire life, at that time. I expect that there will be more trying times in the future but only Heavenly Father knows the answer to that. I'm thinking that my humility is not showing here in anyway but truthfully I am grateful for the last couple of years and the trials that I have had. Not that I would have chosen them in anyway, shape or form, nor would I wish my experiences on my worst enemy. Now, luckily I don't have a worst enemy besides the elliptical machine, so it's impossible for that thing to have it's heart shattered. I just sometimes feel that I wasn't good enough to be married and now single, that is even worse. I know that is Satan poking at me but it still hurts. I mean you go poke yourself and tell me it doesn't hurt, especially in the eye, on accident, still hurts. Satan chooses to poke where it hurts the most. I tend to doubt things in my life, wondering if it was inspired by the Lord or if it wasn't. Ending my marriage was inspired and necessary in my life. I didn't know it at the time but I do now.
Second, single motherhood is rough. I do by the Lord's grace have only one child but she is still a child and it's hard. Trying to help her with school, me working and her cooking most of the time, makes me feel less of a mother. I try to think that she will need to learn these things, but I was a stay at home mom for most of her life so this transition is hard. I am trying to work, keep the house clean, shop, I gave up on the backyard and our fantastic neighbor takes care of the front. There is only so much I can do as one person. I feel so tired and lost at times. Overwhelmed is the complete word to use here. I get overwhelmed with single motherhood. Yes, my joke is I was a single mother before, but the truth is no, I wasn't. The blessing from this is being able to see what is important to me and what is not. I see that my home is not always the cleanest, don't open a cupboard sometimes because who knows what will fall on you, but it is not what is important. I make time to hang out with Madi by going for walks with her in the park where we talk about everything in our lives. When I do make dinner we talk and listen to the radio or dance in the kitchen (mostly me). I choose to pick my battle's with her it's hard for both of us and I can see that now. Sometimes I am just tired and she will tell me to go to bed, I now say ok, goodnight and go to bed, whereas before I would argue. She is right when that happens.
Third, I still am a diamond in the rough. I am not quite the person I should be, in my mind. I need to do my visiting teaching every month, yes, I'm awful about it majority of the time. I'm the less then 15 minute visiting teacher. I have anxieties and it can be hard for me to actually get the courage to call or visit or I plain forget. I am striving to do better, I actually visited one of my sisters for an hour last month. Still need to improve there. I am also trying to do better in my life. I have a bad habit of cussing and am working on it, everyday. I am also quite the smart aleck. I would rather laugh mostly at myself then anything. I tend to do quite plainly stupid things on a daily basis. I'm not going into detail here, you'll have to ask me sometime if you want to know.
I am glad to say that I do go to church and have a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and love the gospel. I couldn't have said that a year ago. I was having a testimony building moment that started with a testimony teardown. I know that the gospel is true, the scriptures are true and that Heavenly Father loves me. I know that he has a blueprint laid out for my life and if I strive to follow him it will all work out in a way I never could have imagined. Singlehood might stink at times but I am really happy to be going through this experience right now. I don't recognize the woman I was last year and I am happy to say that I can now smile with the pain and anguish but always move forward. I know Heavenly Father loves me and I know that with all my healed heart. I am a beloved daughter of his.
